Recently I’ve been thinking that taking up the sport of roller derby was a big mistake.

It’s come to totally dominate my life. Everything else takes a backseat, or must fit in with, training and bouts and meetings and tasks. I’m wondering if it’s worth it?

My “roller derby journey” as we skaters all lovingly refer to our wasted time, started in July last year. In week 11 of the 18 week fresh meat program I broke my wrist. Maybe I should’ve seen that as a sign to quit, but no, I was determined to continue. I sat and watched my fellow freshies complete the last 6 weeks - the best 6 weeks - of the program. They started full contact and scrimmage, while I sat around feeling a mixture of admiration and jealousy.

Pretty soon after my fresh meat class graduated, I was healed, but the season was over. We had an off season of a good month or two and returned in February of this year to start up again. My problem was that I had developed the fear. I was scared of getting hurt again. I was scared of participating in scrimmage and full contact as I’d never done it before and felt like everyone else was so much better than me and so far ahead of me. I struggled. I didn’t get picked for the team. I felt worthless. I felt like I wasn’t getting any specific feedback or advice on how I could improve, other than I “wasn’t ready to compete” yet. I voiced my concern in my team and immediately felt like an outsider, someone rocking the boat, someone not fitting in. Perhaps that was the time to give up. (Although in hindsight it wasn’t the team’s fault or the coaches’ fault - it was mine.)

Instead I changed teams. I’m in a new team. A fun, supportive, caring team. I’ve been getting good coaching, I’ve improved, I’ve been selected for the A grade team, I’ve overcome my fear. Hurrah! I’ve finally made it. So pleased I didn’t give up!

Well, now I’ve fucked my knee.

Physio has said I have a weak ACL, an inflamed bursa under my left ITB, and chrondal oedema patella (poor alignment of the kneecap over the femur); so no contact for me for a while. Just exercise, but no drills and scrimmage. Feels like every time I start to get somewhere I’m stopped in my tracks. One step forward, two steps back.

Maybe, just maybe, that’s what derby is all about. It’s hard. It’s challenging. You never stop pushing yourself or overcoming your fears or improving yourself. After all, if it was easy everyone would do it.